Inky

Today, I'm going to rant about someone who's been alive for twenty seven years. Well, dead for twenty seven years. Dead but present for twenty seven years. He is the most sinister, evil and twisted thing to grace the Pac-Man scene since...well, anything. I am referring to that which makes the children cry:

For those that have been living in a cave their entire lives (here's looking at you, Osama), Inky is a ghost in the video game "Pac-Man", one of four. Noticeably, he is the only one that really shows any form of competence. The other three ghosts are comprised of a speed freak who has very little control over his direction:

A ghost who obviously stars in the 80s video game pornographic scene:

...and the biggest idiot since Jack Thompson decided to remove his own brain and put it in a robot made entirely out of toilet paper (not pictured):

Even if the Bonnie and Clyde reference is cool. Go watch that sometime. Speaking of movies, if they make another Land Before Time film (which I think would be the...thirteen? Holy crap, it's fourteen! Thanks, Wikipedia!), I will personally drop whatever I am doing and steal the kidneys of everyone involved. But anyway...

Of the four ghosts, Inky is the one who kills me about 80% of the time. He usually works alone - the only way the others ever kill me (or most players) is by teaming up and trapping me. Inky doesn't need to do that - he's such a sneaky little bastard that he manages to outwit the rest of his team and go in for the kill all the time. He's not even meant to BE the annoying one - Blinky (the red one) actually speeds up the more Pac-Man eats, but he still manages to be less annoying than Inky. Also, a word of advice for all those that play the evil game. Avoid the cherries. Not just because they're worth about the equivalent of ten pills (which takes all of three seconds to get anyway), but because Inky guards them like a hawk, and going for them is the equivalent of:

Basically, if you go for them, he will kill you and do horrible things to you. Just like cyanide. In a way, it's a lucky thing that the creators of Pac-Man are all either really old now or dead, because they would have hundreds of appointments with the wrong end of a spork.


In a game where scoring points is key, personal vendettas are not advised. Yet whenever I get a power pill and become able to eat ghosts, I personally like to track down the little blue bastard (well, even though they all turn blue...) and put him in a world of hurt. Eating. Whatever. Insert random Matrix joke here.

The horrible realisation that Inky is actually immortal often hits like a ton of bricks falling from an aeroplane through a window factory onto a bed of trampolines, into a dynamite factory surrounded by several antique stores, while a red Indian stands on the cliff above and weeps for his lost land (that was the longest and most needlessly complicated metaphor I've ever written). Because if you kill any of the ghosts, they just come back to life again after a few seconds. Which sucks. Little blue bastard.

Here's hoping he's in Smash Brothers Brawl so I can beat the living shit out of him. Er...undead shit. He is a ghost after all.

Who ya gonna call?

Doctors

No, not THAT Doctor.


Also, this rant is about normal doctors, not the kind who merely dons a lab coat, a clipboard with a funky pattern and a pair of goggles. Not that I ever do that.

Usually, I rant on a random subject about something that bugs me because...well, it's fun. Today, I'm going to make up for two days of missed ranting because of something which has managed to cripple my ranting ability. One of my best friends had to go to hospital because of Appendicitis, y'see.

This is basically what happened. When it's beneficial to remove an appendix before it bursts, with no downside or waste of resources having to do so at a later date, in addition to the pain it causes said person. It makes you wonder if most doctors actually care about the patients and all, and if they just have their heads up their own/someone else's ass.

That was one of the most worrying things I've ever drawn. Almost. So, considering that doctors are one of the people who might actually be able to save your life (hell, I do owe my The Master-lookalike Doctor... ¬_¬), what can you actually do to fight their incompetence?

Sarcasm, cliched jokes, cynicalism. Sing it loud, sing it proud.



Get well soon, Rini. <3

Tron

Sometimes, people have good ideas.


They may be the best film concept ever. However, sometimes things may not go entirely according to plan.


Someone thought that by combining two fun things, you would get something even more fun. While this may work with a weasel and a rocket (I've not personally tried it), the promise of a film where people are put inside a "video game" is something which had many people crossing their legs with excitement. Most of those people are now dead, but that's not the point. Normal people were also interested. Thus, the idea of Tron was born. Did it work?

No.

The story of Tron is that some socially retarded programmer guy has his ideas stolen by some even more socially retarded programmer guy, who makes a lot of money with them. In looking for proof that this happened, socially retarded programmer guy #1 is accidentally brought into the computer network, or a video game, or some virtual world and forced to play video games to survive and find evidence. SO HOW THE FLYING FUCK DID THEY MAKE IT SO GODDAMN BORING?!?


Was it because computers took five hours to open a word document? Is that what Tron is trying to simulate? The games were boring, the plot actually didn't make any sense, and the bad guy is the computer world itself (or something) and in all honesty, probably spent ten hours crashing before attacking. I don't know, I fell asleep halfway through - AND I'M A FREAKING INSOMNIAC. I HOPE TRON IS FUCKING HAPPY THAT IT'S MESSING IN GOD'S DOMAIN. If you can put an insomniac to sleep, you must have some greater power. Therefore, MAKE A GODDAMN DECENT MOVIE! Oh wait, they're fresh out of them.


The other day, my brother told me that they were making a sequel. I hope that everybody in the original film died and they rewrote it with new characters. That would be funny. Actually, I dream that they'll scrap the idea and make Pong the Movie. That would be good.

Now THAT'S cinema!

Togepi

Today, I'm going to talk to you all about a special hatred. This little bastard of a Pokemon, known as Togepi, is not only an annoying little bastard of a Pokemon, but perhaps one of the most annoying fictional little bastards ever to crawl out of Japan. For one thing, it's a baby Pokemon, so it's especially bad at the things that Pokemon are supposed to do, like ripping the crap out of each other and breeding. Togepi can do neither and serves very little purpose whatsoever.

In all honesty, you'd be better off fighting the opponent yourself than with Togepi.

Or not. (A/N - You know, I seem to draw myself lying in a pool of blood far too much.)

Little bastard.

Another thing about Togepi which makes you want to stab it repeatedly until you can stab no more (which is both impossible and grammatically incorrect) is that it can evolve. However, in order to make it evolve, you have to make it happy. In the time it takes to make Togepi happy, you could turn chocolate into gold, find the holy grail, play tennis with said holy grail, find a Mac which works and probably catch all four hundred and fucking however many Pokemon there are that aren't related to Togejudas. Speaking of which, take a look at the family tree.

First, you have to spend days, maybe weeks, cheering up the little bastard. The guy seems to sit around moping all the time, and no matter how many expensive massages or tasty treats, gifts or Pokemon you sacrifice to the gods of Togejudas, he just doesn't even crack a smile. His mouth is written in permanent marker, you know. If by some miracle you manage to kill everything on Sol 3 and make the little satanic git evolve, he doesn't actually become much more useful. The only half-decent attack the little bastard learns at low levels is Metronome, a move which randomly picks a move from all of them and uses it. By "randomly picks a move from all of them", I mean "uses selfdestruct all the time and explodes in a fucking eggy mess that does crap all damage because Togepi exploding is the equivalent of an egg spontaneously combusting". Fun to watch, but doesn't exactly do much else. When Togebastard evolves into Togetic (note the imaginative names here, people), it grows wings, the shell merges with his skin (but does not suffocate...) and most amazingly of all, IT GROWS EYEROWS. Everyone knows that Pokemon need eyebrows to become able to breed, because they attract female Togetictacs or something. With the recent addition of Diamond and Pearl, Togeticks gained another evolution: Togekiss (OMFG THEY ARE GENIUSES AT NAMING THINGS). In order to evolve it again, you need to find a Shiny Stone, which is rarer than Darth Vader doing the Time Warp with Alice Cooper - on ice. Once you finally find the stone and evolve Togehasheadlice, it becomes incredibly fat, grows stupidly large wings, and SHAVES OFF HIS EYEBROWS BECAUSE HE IS HARDCORE. I hope the fat eggy bastard doesn't evolve in a portable loo or something, because he is never going through a door again as long as he lives. Fact.

The only possible use for Togepee is his shape. He is shaped like a rugby ball. Good thing Pokemon aren't real, because in addition to the entire world being eaten by rampaging Gyarados, there would be countless arrests by the RSPCLEG (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Eggy Bastards) on account of him being used for rugby/American football.

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111115

Alarm Clocks

Like a lot of people, I do not remember the day I was born. However, I think it went something like this:

As you can probably tell, there's me. Don't question the logic of having a stick person inside a womb. Inside the womb, there is safety. Outside is the least comfortable place for a person in the womb to be, as the world is clearly an evil and horrible place. After getting used to being inside...

Some horrible bastard with a pair of rubber gloves that he's not wearing and a license to pull drags you out, rips the cord and makes you live the rest of your life, starting with many years of no dignity, soiling yourself and drinking things you'd never drink again.



My dad is still known to occasionally yell this. I find it messed up and hilarious. Now that I'm rambling and you just checked the title of today's post to see what the hell I'm bitching about, you'll have no idea what this has to do with alarm clocks.

It has EVERYTHING to do with alarm clocks. It's the same principle. Alarms clocks are the personification of the doctor who dragged you from your haven when you were born. They wake you up in the morning with a noise that sounds like Satan's cat being strangled in a bag underwater full of S Club 7 CDs, force you to physically act (which I oppose doing in the morning) in order to shut them up, and to top things off, they do it the next day as well. So, let's take a look at the bastard.



This is just one example. My example. Note the two volumes: elephant and hurricane, so that you either wake up the entire town, or just the street that you live in. The on/off switch, the riskiest decision ever made. Finally, the giant button on top that claims to be able to engage itself in active conversation, but rather tells you the time. MY UNCLE DID NOT BUY ME SOMEONE WHO SAYS THEY CAN TALK, HE BOUGHT ME AN ALARM CLOCK!!! Not annotated, but shown above anyway, is the hard metal casing that could survive a beating with a brick. No really, it could.

Finally, another thing which should be cast into hell are things which sound like alarm clocks, but aren't. Only one example comes to mind, and that is an enemy from Sonic CD, of which I do not know the name. It is a bug with a circular saw on his back, which beeps in the same way that my alarm clock does, and actually made me physically turn to check that the alarm clock was off, causing Sonic to fall to his watery grave. Argh. If Mario can swim, why can't he? I was unable to find a picture of said enemy, so here is a diagram.

Thing is, the platforms are too small to roll on, so the unlucky bastard cannot be killed and is forced to live a life of misery and beeping. Sucks to be him.