Togepi

Today, I'm going to talk to you all about a special hatred. This little bastard of a Pokemon, known as Togepi, is not only an annoying little bastard of a Pokemon, but perhaps one of the most annoying fictional little bastards ever to crawl out of Japan. For one thing, it's a baby Pokemon, so it's especially bad at the things that Pokemon are supposed to do, like ripping the crap out of each other and breeding. Togepi can do neither and serves very little purpose whatsoever.

In all honesty, you'd be better off fighting the opponent yourself than with Togepi.

Or not. (A/N - You know, I seem to draw myself lying in a pool of blood far too much.)

Little bastard.

Another thing about Togepi which makes you want to stab it repeatedly until you can stab no more (which is both impossible and grammatically incorrect) is that it can evolve. However, in order to make it evolve, you have to make it happy. In the time it takes to make Togepi happy, you could turn chocolate into gold, find the holy grail, play tennis with said holy grail, find a Mac which works and probably catch all four hundred and fucking however many Pokemon there are that aren't related to Togejudas. Speaking of which, take a look at the family tree.

First, you have to spend days, maybe weeks, cheering up the little bastard. The guy seems to sit around moping all the time, and no matter how many expensive massages or tasty treats, gifts or Pokemon you sacrifice to the gods of Togejudas, he just doesn't even crack a smile. His mouth is written in permanent marker, you know. If by some miracle you manage to kill everything on Sol 3 and make the little satanic git evolve, he doesn't actually become much more useful. The only half-decent attack the little bastard learns at low levels is Metronome, a move which randomly picks a move from all of them and uses it. By "randomly picks a move from all of them", I mean "uses selfdestruct all the time and explodes in a fucking eggy mess that does crap all damage because Togepi exploding is the equivalent of an egg spontaneously combusting". Fun to watch, but doesn't exactly do much else. When Togebastard evolves into Togetic (note the imaginative names here, people), it grows wings, the shell merges with his skin (but does not suffocate...) and most amazingly of all, IT GROWS EYEROWS. Everyone knows that Pokemon need eyebrows to become able to breed, because they attract female Togetictacs or something. With the recent addition of Diamond and Pearl, Togeticks gained another evolution: Togekiss (OMFG THEY ARE GENIUSES AT NAMING THINGS). In order to evolve it again, you need to find a Shiny Stone, which is rarer than Darth Vader doing the Time Warp with Alice Cooper - on ice. Once you finally find the stone and evolve Togehasheadlice, it becomes incredibly fat, grows stupidly large wings, and SHAVES OFF HIS EYEBROWS BECAUSE HE IS HARDCORE. I hope the fat eggy bastard doesn't evolve in a portable loo or something, because he is never going through a door again as long as he lives. Fact.

The only possible use for Togepee is his shape. He is shaped like a rugby ball. Good thing Pokemon aren't real, because in addition to the entire world being eaten by rampaging Gyarados, there would be countless arrests by the RSPCLEG (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Eggy Bastards) on account of him being used for rugby/American football.

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111115